Absolution
by sadladybug
Summary: Zutara one-shot, in which Katara struggles with the aftermath of confronting Yon Rha. "It was the end of the world, only sooner than expected. It hadn't come with a blaze of light and flame like she had pictured in her nightmares. It had come with the rain." A gift for likexaxdove for the LJ Secret Santa Exchange.


_You'll build your walls and I will play my bloody part_

_to tear, tear them down_

Mumford and Sons - "Babel"

* * *

It was the end of the world, only sooner than expected.

It hadn't come with a blaze of light and flame like she had pictured in her nightmares. It had come with the rain. Suspended, frozen, precisely-aimed rain. Unfrozen, harmless, splashing rain.

Rain that still lingered at the base of her scalp and in the seams of her clothes. The dampness was insidious and did nothing to help the chill as night wore on. It was infuriating, really; no amount of bending seemed to be able to wick the moisture from her skin.

And yet she knew there was a fire not twenty paces away. She could hear the pops and cracks of the wood as it burned, watch the shadows retreat and flare as he added kindling, smell the smoke. But she was too far away to feel the warmth of it. She wasn't sure she would feel it even if it was licking at her toes.

The wind rose and she tried to curl further into herself, hugging her knees and pressing harder against the rough tree at her back. The tree provided her no comfort, and yet she had dug in next to it as soon as they had arrived. As soon as they had left that – _that man_, she had stormed her way back to Appa a claimed the reigns without comment or opposition. Appa was fast, but he couldn't hope to keep up with the speed of her thoughts and she found it difficult to keep focused on the task of steering. She knew how erratic it had to look. When Zuko suggested that they stop for the night to let Appa rest she barely heard him. It was all she could do to muster a nod and direct them toward a copse of trees in the distance.

The hours had passed quietly. The sun had set and the moon had risen; she noticed none of it. Her vision was turned inward, caught in a loop that replayed the afternoon's events unceasingly. Sped up, slowed down, crystal-clear and out-of-focus. All narrated with a thousand questions and criticisms featuring the voices of everyone she had ever cared about.

Gran Gran says:_ Why did you even pursue this, my little water bender? _

Sokka says:_ You're my sister no matter what. _

Jet says:_ You betrayed us._

Aang says_: You did the right thing, Katara._

Suki says:_ You were merciful. _

Hama says:_ You failed to use the power given to you. You failed your tribe. _

Her father says:_ Oh Katara…_

Zuko says:_ Hey, are you hungry?_

It takes her a moment to realize that his voice is coming from outside her head. It snaps her awareness back into place, and she feels almost disoriented as she glances at the forest around her. When she looks up, the sky is so clear and the moon shines so brightly that it makes her heart ache. She feels her throat begin to close up and wills it to stop. Her thoughts begin to drift back to rain and mud –

"Here. Help yourself."

To her right there is the soft sound of something hitting the dirt. Her neck pops as she glances behind her to see Zuko's bag of seal jerky. A quick inventory of her body tells her only that she is either starving or nauseous. She decides that it isn't worth the energy to determine the difference. She ignores it.

Instead she feels the sheer weight of the rain as it gathers over their heads according to her will, feels her muscles tremble as she pulls, freezes, and _pushes_ –

A low frustrated groan brings her back to the forest again. She can hear his footsteps as he makes his way to where she sits. Her muscles tighten to guzheng strings with every footfall. She watches his legs come into view out of the corner of her eye, sees him swoop down to pick up the bag of seal jerky. He pauses to dust off a few stray leaves that have caught in the rough fabric; they drift in and out of her vision as they fall toward the earth.

Then the bag hovers in front of her face.

"Here. Eat something. You've got to be hungry."

She scowls but doesn't look at him, hoping he gets the message. She doesn't trust what might come out of her mouth so she keeps it closed. He sighs and the bag droops. He drops it next to her.

His footsteps are heavier as he retreats. She waits for him to say something else but nothing comes. She notices a flare from the fire and thinks he must have added more kindling. But then there's another. And another. Rhythmic. He must be meditating. She hates him for finding peace of mind in this moment.

But not as much as she hates _him_. That _monster_. She pictures him again, old and withered, old like her _mother_ never would be, pathetic and groveling in the mud. She imagines his cowering and is at once repulsed and pleased. The look of horror as recognition sets in is almost palpable and she relishes this, slows down the playback in her mind to take in every feature. It's not just that she wants to extend this moment, it's also to delay what comes next, when he –

"Katara, come and get some rest." A pause, and his voice takes on a low, gravely quality. "A ma- a woman needs her rest."

She peers behind her to see Zuko laying out the sleeping pelts on either side of the fire. She rolls her eyes and huffs before turning back around. There is darkness and the smell of smoke and ash. He must be dousing the campfire. Before she can redirect her attention back to her memories she hears footsteps again. This time he stops directly in front of her and yawns before squatting down so that he can look her in eye. He holds fire in one palm. She pointedly looks away.

"Come on. I've finished making camp."

She is resolute that she will wait him out. She knows her patience can outlast his.

Her every nerve ending comes alive when he touches her arm. Her eyes snap to his.

"Don't touch me Zuko."

He withdraws his hand and looks more than a little hurt. He stands up and extends his hand toward her once more, and too late she realizes he was only offering to help her up. She slaps his hand away.

"_I said don't touch me!" _

Before she can think about it she is off the ground and in his face. He steps back and she can see his temper rising, his hands forming fists. The fire goes out but his eyes glow in the moonlight. He shouts back at her. "Well what do you want me to do?! Spirits, I'm only trying to help!"

"Haven't you done enough?" Her voice sounds strange in her ears, low and dangerous.

He glances around, looking confused. His hands relax. "Katara, I don't know what you mean…"

"You want to _help_ me? Do I look _helped_, Zuko? Do I look _better_ to you?!" Her temper rises with the sound of her voice. For every step she takes toward him he takes a step back. He puts his hands out in front of him.

"Please, let's just get some rest, okay? It's been a really long day-"

"A long day!? I almost _killed_ a man today! You call that a _long day_!"

She breaks. This is twice in one day that she has lost all control, but she is beyond caring. She launches herself at him, not with her bending but with her bare hands. She pounds her fists into his chest and it might feel satisfying if he would just _fight back_. But he doesn't. He lets her drive him back a few paces.

"_What were you thinking? Why did you bring me here!_" She is shrieking. "_What have you done?!_" She swings wide and barely misses his jaw. He finally reacts; he catches her wrists and holds them between them. He looks her in the eye with an unwavering gaze.

"Stop it! Just - stop for a minute. Calm down. Please. Tell me what's wrong."

Maybe it's the sincerity of his face, the honesty of it that drains all of the rage from her. But without it, she feels hollow. She has a moment to think again, and all that comes to mind are her failures of the day. Her throat threatens to close up again but this time she lets it. She can feel the tears beginning to spill over and she would be embarrassed if she wasn't so_ tired_ all of a sudden.

She starts to crumble but he catches her by the shoulders, pulls her in.

"Katara? Hey, are you okay?"

The absurdity of the question only makes her cry harder, and she buries her face into his shirt. It's as though the day were meant to be wet one way or another, and she has lost the strength to try to change its destiny. Perhaps she doesn't want to.

It seems to take him a moment to decide if he should put his arms around her, and even when he does his touch is light and tentative. He rubs soft circles on her back with one hand. "Katara? Hey, talk to me. What's wrong?"

Her voice is muffled in his shirt. "I couldn't do it. Why couldn't I do it? She's dead and for what and _why couldn't I do it_?" She tries to control her sobs and fails. She grips his shirt in her fists and shakes him a little. "Why did you bring me here?"

"I – I just thought this would help you, Katara. I'm sorry. I just thought this is what you wanted."

She's not sure how long they stand there, but eventually she feels calm enough to release him. She steps out of his arms and hugs her own. There are wrinkled spots near his shoulders where her fists have been and damp spots in between. She takes a deep, shuddering breath and releases it slowly.

"I thought so too. I just…I don't know. Forget it. I can't talk about it right now."

He looks suspicious. "Katara, it's obvious that something has been bothering you ever since we got here. You've been sitting over here for hours, and then you attacked me and started sobbing! Don't you think it would be better to-"

"To what? Talk about it? Like you could possibly understand." She senses the sharpness in her tone. She stops herself and sighs heavily. "Look. I'm sorry. I'll be fine. Let's just go to sleep, okay?"

He sighs and kicks at the dirt. "Sure. Come on."

They make their way to the campsite and climb into their respective sleeping pelts. Her body hums with exhaustion and yet she isn't sure she'll be able to sleep. She lies there and tries not to think back to mud and rain, but her thoughts are interrupted once again.

"Katara, are you sure you're okay? I mean, if you want to talk about it-"

She huffs and rolls over to face him. "Why, Zuko? Do you really think _you_ could help? You don't know me. We've never been friends."

He growls at her. "Fine! If you don't want to talk to me, then don't. And if you don't want to be my friend then you don't have to. But don't act like there's nothing wrong when clearly there is and then get upset with me for caring!" He turns over roughly so that all she can see is his back.

She regrets it immediately. For the first time that day she steps outside of her own hurt and sees what he is trying to do. What he's _been_ trying to do.

Toph says: _Knock it off, Sugar Queen._

She calls out softly to him. "Zuko?"

"_What_?"

"What was it like for you, when you found out about your mom?"

He rolls back over to face her. He studies her for a moment before responding. "When I found out about my mom?"

"Yeah, when you found out that the Fire Nation took your mother from you."

He sits up and clears his throat. "Um, when it happened, I was ten. I woke up one day and she was just gone. I didn't understand it then. It tore me apart."

This is something she can understand. She toys with the necklace at her throat. "And now?"

He rubs the back of his neck. "Well, it's more complicated than what I had told you before. On the day of the eclipse I confronted Ozai. I told him I was going to find the Avatar and join him. I was going to just walk away, but then he tricked me into staying until the eclipse was over by saying that he had information about what happened to my mother. I mean, up until that point, I thought she just disappeared, or that she had died. But that wasn't true. My mother, she… well she had done something bad and she was banished. My father banished her."

She sits up as well. "So she could still be alive?"

"Maybe. It's hard to say. I'd like to think so. But who knows if Ozai was telling the truth or not."

"What, um, what did you mom do that made him banish her?"

"It's a long story. Basically, my father wanted to be Fire Lord, but Uncle Iroh was first in line. When my cousin died, Ozai suggested to my grandfather that he remove Uncle's birthright. My grandfather was furious. Apparently, to punish Ozai for his insubordination, Azulon ordered that Ozai sacrifice his first born."

It takes her a moment for this to really sink in. "Your grandfather ordered Ozai to kill you?" She stares at him, stunned.

"Yes. And as my father told me on the day of the eclipse, he was going to do it. But my mother, she… I think she killed Fire Lord Azulon and changed his will so that Ozai would take the throne. She was banished for it."

"She saved you."

He gives her a sad smile. "Yeah, she did. Though I have to wonder if she made the right choice. Having Ozai as Fire Lord hasn't turned out very well for the rest of the world."

"But it wasn't about the rest of the world. She cared about you. That's all that mattered to her."

"Yeah, I guess so." He starts fidgeting with a loose string on his sleeping pelt, looking uncomfortable.

"Kind of like how my mom saved me." She feels tears, hot and acrid, as they run down her cheeks. She doesn't know why they've chosen this moment to appear, and it's more like leaking than crying in that they require no effort and won't seem to stop.

He looks up at her and abandons the string. "Oh, hey, Katara. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you-"

She swipes at her tears. "No, it's okay. I just really miss her, I guess. I just- does this sound crazy? – I just wonder if I did the right thing, you know? Like, would she be disappointed…?" She doesn't even finish the thought. She covers her face with her hands as she starts to cry in earnest. It's the events of the day and the exhaustion she feels, but it's also the grief and loss which have been torn open and feel as fresh as the day it happened.

She can hear the rustle of fabric as he gets out of his sleeping pelt and comes over to her. He gently rests a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, don't say that. She wouldn't be disappointed in you."

"But I couldn't do it! I couldn't avenge her. Why couldn't I do it?" She wrings her hands.

"Katara, believe me, I hate to say it, but maybe Aang was right. Maybe vengeance wasn't the answer. Even if you had gone through with it, that's probably not what your mother would have wanted for you."

She cries a little harder at the thought, but at the same time feels strangely validated. "Well, I might not have gone through with it, but I wanted to. You saw that I wanted to. What does that say about me? What kind of person am I?"

He's quiet for a moment. He removes his hand from her shoulder and puts it in his lap; he fixes his gaze on his fingers as he twists them about. "When my father told me about my mother, I had wanted to rip him apart. But I didn't get a chance to do anything about it. As soon as the eclipse ended, he shot lightening at me. Thankfully, Uncle Iroh had taught me a technique to redirect it, so I shot it right back at him. I didn't know if it would kill him, and I didn't care at the time. But I think part of me is glad that it didn't. I'm not sure how I would feel if I had killed him, even though I hate him so much. Besides, that's Aang's job." He shrugs.

"So you felt the same? That he deserved to die?"

He looks up at her, and his eyes burn with determination. "Yes. I still do. I haven't forgiven him and I won't forgive him. For a number of reasons. What kind of person does that make me?"

She doesn't answer. She considers his words, and understands the point he is trying to make. Maybe he's right or maybe he's wrong, but she now feels a little less lonely in her grief and rage. Though her tears are drying up, she still feels unsettled. She sniffs and asks one last question, the one that matters most.

"My mother. Why would she do that for me? Why would she sacrifice herself, just for me?"

His eyes grow distant for a moment. "My mom once told me that mothers are like that. When you mess with their babies, they'll bite you back. What I'm trying to say is - she was your mother, Katara. She made that choice because she loved you."

She touches the necklace at her throat again. "Yeah, I guess it's like you said. She was a brave woman."

"It must be a family trait."

And for the first time that day, she smiles.

"Thanks, Zuko. I guess I did need this. All of it." She is surprised to find that her eyelids feel heavy and she stifles a yawn. "I think I'm ready to get some sleep now."

"Okay." He starts to move away, but she catches his sleeve.

"Seriously, Zuko. Thank you."

He looks away but she can see the soft smile at the corner of his mouth. "You're welcome, Katara. Good night."

She sleeps, but not right away. She thinks about Yon Rha and her mother, but differently than she had only a few hours ago. She thinks about her own choices and the choices of others. And she thinks about Zuko.

And maybe it isn't the end of the world. Maybe it's just the beginning of a new one.

* * *

AN:

I confess. When I saw that I was assigned to create a Zutara Secret Santa gift for likexaxdove, I cringed. I love the fic from this author, and often wish I could create something even remotely as good. And yet here I am, tasked to create something worthy! Well, I tried my best! The prompts that resonated with me were the word "assassins" and the lyric from "Babel" you see above. My first inclination was to do a piece of fan art, but I fear my ambitions outweighed my talent in that case. So I thought I would try to create this little written scene. When I started this story, it was from Zuko's perspective. And I spent three weeks fighting it, trying to make it work. But it wasn't right. And then suddenly, it hit me. This needed to be from Katara's perspective. And suddenly it became so much easier to write. Anyway, it is with great humility that I offer up this gift of Zutara! Hope you enjoyed it likexaxdove!

My two cents on this scene: So here's the thing. I think that even a person as strong as Katara would be emotionally reeling after an event as significant as confronting the man who murdered her mother. Think of any major event in your life that promised great joy or sorrow, and the expectations and fantasies associated with it. The expectations, good or bad, never live up to the reality, do they? For Katara, the event itself is potentially trauma-inducing, and then she is left with the aftermath. The play by play analysis of what could or should have been. Even after the event, she still hates Yon Rha – we see this in canon when she says that she'll never forgive him. And from the people she loves and the people she has met on her travels, she has a lot of conflicting advice about what justice really is. In the aftermath, she is left wondering if she did the right thing, and she's still figuring out where she stands on this subject, as well as how the reality of it lived up to her expectations of what she thought she might do. Perhaps there is a lingering feeling that she not only failed others but also her vision of herself. She has to work that out, and is still working out who she is and why she made that particular choice when we see her on the dock in canon.

As if this weren't enough, she also has to incorporate a new significant piece of knowledge into the story of who she is. She finds out that her mother didn't just die in a Fire Nation raid, she died _specifically for her_. As she struggles with her own morality, she also has to struggle with incorporating that information. As in – why would she do that for me? Am I worthy of her sacrifice? Am I living up to her expectations? Did I do the right thing by her? All of this, in my opinion, would make her a bit of an emotional wreck in the hours following the confrontation at the very least. And Zuko, poor thing, is the only one there. Despite the best of intentions, he's not really great with comforting people (see: silver sandwiches), so I imagine that he doesn't really know what to do. He's also probably wondering if he did the right thing by suggesting this field trip in the first place. So he tries to draw her out and at least tend to her basic needs. He knows she is hurting, but doesn't know how to broach that subject, and with his family, he's probably not used to dealing with strong displays of emotion. He's the most emotional one in his immediate family, really. When he approaches her one too many times, she projects all of her emotion on to him, looking for an outlet. Plus, she's still a little mad at him for past betrayals. This outburst gets it all out into the open, starts a dialogue between the two to process the events. I would like to think that the exchange helped Katara suss out some (but not all) of the issues that she was having, allowing her to reach the calm stage of contemplation that we see at the end of TSR. Also, it would help her take the final steps to forgive Zuko and move forward with their relationship. I mean, when she hugs Zuko and forgives him at the end of TSR, he looks surprised, so she hasn't quite made that clear to him before then. So, that's my two cents on the whole thing, and hopefully that clears up the relation to the prompts. Thanks for reading, let me know what you think!

Oh and ps Zuko and Katara don't belong to me, yada yada yada...


End file.
